Pregnancy week 28

It’s been a couple weeks sense I posted. My midwife came over and we got some answers but things have been so crazy that I haven’t posted the news. Drum roll please…It’s NOT twins. There is only one baby cookin in there. However, the reason I’m so big is because I have a lot of amniotic fluid which is making me measure bigger.

I’ve tried to look up info on it but there isn’t a lot to go on. Only 1% get this. There are a few reasons you can end up with more fluid, but 65% end up with more fluid for now reason at all and baby is totally find. The reasons you can have more fluid are if you are having multiple babies, and/or have gestational diabetes, both of which I don’t have. The other reasons are more scary. If the baby has down or if there are birth defects, both of which would have been picked up by the ultrasound. So, out of this 1% I fall into the 65% that just has more fluid for no reason. Good times.

The one this that does concern me is that with all the extra fluid I can get what’s called cord prolapse. This is when after my water breaks and floods the room, the cord gets under the baby and tries to come out first. In many cases this calls for an emergency C-section.The thought of tis makes me sick to my stomach. I know people have them all the time but the thought of being cut open totally freaks me out. Just thinking about it now I’m feeling sick and feel like crying.

My midwife reassured me that most times everything is fine so not to worry. Easier said then done. haha There are things that can be done if the cord does prolapse that can be tried before a C-section but I’ll spare you the details.

The other info I found was that it’s common for people to go into preterm labor and end up on bed rest. I’m totally fine going into labor early, who wouldn’t be, right? As long as I’m in the save zone. But bed rest can’t happen. Not this time around. We don’t even know If we’ll have our own place when the baby is born and Dean will still be on a weight restriction, so yeah, no bed rest for me. This baby, and my body better behave!

Have you ever had a C-section? Did you ever have too much fluid that caused problems?

My Pregnancy Week 25

I haven’t really posted anything about this pregnancy. I have a tendency to not talk about it until I’m at least at the midway point. Everything has been going well with the pregnancy so I feel there’s nothing really to talk about. lol I had a little morning sickness but that didn’t last long. Got my energy back after the morning sickness past, and now I’m hitting the “can’t bend over and breath at the same time” stage. This stage came REALLY early this time. I also feel like I’m much bigger then I should be right now. Looking back at pictures of my last pregnancy, I’m as big as I was at 32 weeks!

When my midwife was here last she measured me high. 26 when I should have been around 20. I decided to go in for an ultrasound to see if it was twins because it was driving me crazy. They only found one. however, looking at me you’d think they missed one. Or are my friend said, “at least one!” lol So,with all that said, I’m still not sure what I’m having. If I wasn’t SO big and already feeling like I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, but still only 25 weeks, I wouldn’t be second guessing the ultrasound.

I don’t know why I can’t let it go. It could be because from the day I found out I was pregnant I knew it was twins. I can’t explain it. I’ve just always believed it to be true. No proof of this thinking, just a hunch. Something I’ve never had in any of my pregnancies. I’ve never been certain of anything during the pregnancies and have never had that intuition that some get during their pregnancies. So, maybe I’m delusional. Who knows. But we’ll find out soon enough.

Wither it’s one or two babies in there I’m excited and blessed to be having another child. Here are some belly pics for ya. Don’t get scared of the bare skinned ones. Working on leaving my comfort zone. haha I may not have one of those cute belly bumps but I love my bump mountain just the same! Oh, and all those stretch marks you see, Mara, my first baby, gave me every last one of them. The stink.

 

 

 

Random thoughts of life right now

Life has been a little crazy lately. Dean finally had surgery, and should be home on Monday. I’ve been home with Lizzeth for the last few days, while the other kids have been with family until this weekend. I cried for the first time today. It had been awhile sense I’ve had a good cry. I feel broken and lonely not having Dean home. The stress of this past year waiting for Dean to have surgery has been draining, but now I feel more drained now that he’s had the surgery. Funny how that is. I miss the kids but it’s been nice to have a moment to breath. It’s too quiet in the house. When Dean gets home he will have a weight restriction of no more than 15 lbs for the next 6 months! We were not expecting such a long time on that. He’ll be in bed for the next month or so, and then we’ll be moving.

We still have no leads on a house. We’ve had a few leads along the way but everything has fallen through. Frankly, I’m scared out of my mind. I normally don’t let myself feel it most of the time, but I guess in all the quiet it’s crept back. With Dean is such a fragile state right now and still have no place to live, I’m pretty much at my end. I know God has a plan but when God doesn’t shine any light on His plan you can go pretty batty in the waiting. God has given us peace along the way and definite signs that He’s looking out for us, but when you get hit with total despair it’s hard deal with anything, good or bad. Just endless feeling of hopelessness and fear.

So, in the waiting we are taking a break from school, packing and putting everything we can in storage, and try to act normal in public. It’s a good thing we don’t get out much because putting on a happy face is getting harder and harder to do.

Here are a few songs that have been helpful to me lately. Pandora and youtube have been very helpful to tune out the ugly thoughts and keep me focused on God.

 

 

 

Just a Mom

I have been struggling with being “just a mom” lately. Starting a family off at the age of 17, I went from high school to being a stay at home mom and wife over night. In fact, I found out I was expecting number 2 graduation day!

I was never interested in school, and barley graduated. I never had any interests other than sex, drugs, and rock n roll. So when Dean and I started dating and my crazy life slowed down, I was faced with the fact that I had no plans for my future, no goals, no dreams. I had spent my time only in short term thinking mode.

Fourteen years later I still feel like I’m stuck. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and wife. I love home schooling the kids, and I love that God has blessed us with a house full of children.

What I struggle with is not having an identity. When you think of someone, their strengths come to mind right away. Crafty, blogger, important volunteer, knowledgeable in EVERYTHING, Godly, baker, very involved in the church, farmer, a fixer, their career, fit, ect. All while being a kick ass mother.

When I think of who I am, what comes to mind is all the things I am not. I’m not creative or crafty, but I really wish I was. I’m not a good writer, so I feel when I do write I sound like a bumbling idiot. I don’t volunteer for anything of importance as I have no skills to do so. I am not knowledgeable in anything and this drives me crazy. All my life I have never been able to retain information. I’m not sure how much my past drug use plays into this but I know others who are smarter than smart and lived a life crazier than mine. I want to learn and try to read and listen to things that are of interest to me but nothing sinks in. I won’t even go into trying to explain something I think I’ve learned. I’m worse than a three year old trying to explain…anything. lol

I don’t understand politics and can’t wrap my brain around anything involving government, I couldn’t fix anything to save my life, I have never had a career, I’m not a nurturer, and I don’t even know I’ve I’m a true Christian.

I want an identity. I want to do something of importance. But mostly, I want to be more than “just a mom.”  I hate when I am talking with people and they ask, “so you just stay home?” Yep, I JUST stay home. I hate that I do nothing but stay home. If feels so unimportant, so beneath everyone else, so, nothing.

I know I need to not worry or care what others think of me and know who I am in Christ. I get all that. But while I’m working that out I still feel like a nothing, a nobody. I pray that one day God with show me who I am and I will love and embrace what He says, but the waiting is hard when you feel like nothing.

I have tried to find my niche in some areas but every time I thought I have found it I would get pushed out of that spot, which only confirms to me how unimportant I am to that group of people. I finally stopped trying. The pain of rejection, from the people that claim to be my friends and family was just to much. I have pulled away from this group of people and this has given me some peace, but I’m still lost.

Do I keep trying to fit into a group that appears to not want me, how do I move on and fine where I belong? Or maybe I don’t belong and God has been using all this rejection to wake me up to what he’s been trying to tell me. “You don’t belong because I have something else for you.”  “I made you “just a mom” my dear child.” “You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I love you.” “Let that be enough.” “Find your value in Me, not what others think of you.”

Music Monday

 

Oh Baby!

It seems everyone I know and their dog is expecting right now. So, I though I’d join in on the fun as I never like to be left out. heehee  We planned to tell friends and family as I saw them but it turns out I never see anyone. lol We have told a few people but haven’t made an official announcement up until now.

We have struggled with knowing when to tell people as after this many kids we don’t always get the most excited and happy responses as we’d like. We are very happy and want our friends and family to be happy for us, but we have found that the more kids we have the less people seem to be happy for us. I have been lucky so far and every one I have told has been, or have seemed, very happy for us. However, I know there will be those that say “Congrats,” but will have nothing nice to say to their families when they tell them we are excepting again. To you people I say, poo on you. 😛 For real. Dean and I have come to terms with knowing not everyone will be happy for us anymore but we know that God as blessed us and WE are happy with our growing family, and that is all that matters. We have finally stopped letting it bug us or hurt our feelings. We have learned who are true friends are as our family has grown. To you lovely people that love us and are happy with us, thank you! You are a blessing in our lives!

So, baby number 10 will be here sometime in July. I am praying this time around goes just as smooth as last time!

Where I have been…

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I have been trying to come to terms with quitting my training two weeks before my half marathon. Yes, I quit, for several reasons. The main reason is it got cold, really cold, and I do not have the right clothes to run in 40 below weather. I know I could have run on the treadmill, but really, who wants to run their very first half on a treadmill? Not me!

I have been dealing with feeling like a failure in this area. I so wanted to do this but I’m not willing to do something so awesome in doors.

Burn out. I hit the burn out wall hard. I feel like I had been going so strong for so long that I lost all desire to continue.  With my all or nothing personality this led to a hard crash. So with burning out on training, and my bad eating habits after stopping the Candida diet, I feel like I’ve been in fat land.

Fat land is where you live when you do nothing but eat, sleep, and basically not move. That has been where I have been for the past few weeks. I wanted to end the year strong but I’ve gone to the completely other field. I plan to get back into some exercise but I think I’m going to start with light running and walking and not worry about doing anything else. I just need to get back to moving, even if it’s just a little.

Outside of that, life have been pretty much the same. We are in our easy month of school, enjoying taking it easy in the holiday season, baking fun treats, decorating for Christmas, watching more tv than normal, and just hanging out. It’s been a nice break for all of us.

Well, I guess I don’t have a lot else to update on. Life at the Mehrkens home is pretty dull. 😉

Music Monday

Falling Fast

Coming off the Candida Diet was good…at first. But it took me only about 3.2 seconds to nose dive into carbs. I have been doing what any good binge eater does, eat like there will be no food tomorrow, or even the next hour. How was it that I could pull off 6 weeks of this diet but now have absolutely NO will power to not cram stuff in my face? I feel like a walking marshmallow this last few days. Swollen from all the sugar and carbs. My face is puffed out and my lovely double chin is returning. I’m bloated all the time and really can’t remember what hunger pings feel like. GGGRRRRR what the heck is wrong with me?! Not even two weeks and I’m right back the were I was at before.

The weird thing is, because my moods are still stable, I’ve felt ok eating this way. I haven’t had the anger and guilt that normally comes with binge eating. Not good. haha Those bad feelings help keep me in check. Now I seem to just not care how I eat…for the most part. I know it’s only a matter of time before the depression will kick me in the butt if I can’t get this under control. I have lost 80lbs sense having Lizzeth, I do not want to gain it all back but at this rate it won’t take me long to be rolling around again.

I know people say, just pick yourself back up and restart, but when dealing with disordered eating it’s not that simple. There is so much more that goes on mentally then just, “oops, need to stop this and get back on track.” It can take months to get back on track. Every day is another day of planning to do better and not over eat and by the end of the day you are bloated and trying not to cry yourself to sleep. Then you wake up ready to start over and something stupid will trigger you and once again go to bad bloated and hating yourself. Day after day after day. God, I don’t want this to start up again.

Music Monday