Archive | January 2014

Just a Mom

I have been struggling with being “just a mom” lately. Starting a family off at the age of 17, I went from high school to being a stay at home mom and wife over night. In fact, I found out I was expecting number 2 graduation day!

I was never interested in school, and barley graduated. I never had any interests other than sex, drugs, and rock n roll. So when Dean and I started dating and my crazy life slowed down, I was faced with the fact that I had no plans for my future, no goals, no dreams. I had spent my time only in short term thinking mode.

Fourteen years later I still feel like I’m stuck. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and wife. I love home schooling the kids, and I love that God has blessed us with a house full of children.

What I struggle with is not having an identity. When you think of someone, their strengths come to mind right away. Crafty, blogger, important volunteer, knowledgeable in EVERYTHING, Godly, baker, very involved in the church, farmer, a fixer, their career, fit, ect. All while being a kick ass mother.

When I think of who I am, what comes to mind is all the things I am not. I’m not creative or crafty, but I really wish I was. I’m not a good writer, so I feel when I do write I sound like a bumbling idiot. I don’t volunteer for anything of importance as I have no skills to do so. I am not knowledgeable in anything and this drives me crazy. All my life I have never been able to retain information. I’m not sure how much my past drug use plays into this but I know others who are smarter than smart and lived a life crazier than mine. I want to learn and try to read and listen to things that are of interest to me but nothing sinks in. I won’t even go into trying to explain something I think I’ve learned. I’m worse than a three year old trying to explain…anything. lol

I don’t understand politics and can’t wrap my brain around anything involving government, I couldn’t fix anything to save my life, I have never had a career, I’m not a nurturer, and I don’t even know I’ve I’m a true Christian.

I want an identity. I want to do something of importance. But mostly, I want to be more than “just a mom.”  I hate when I am talking with people and they ask, “so you just stay home?” Yep, I JUST stay home. I hate that I do nothing but stay home. If feels so unimportant, so beneath everyone else, so, nothing.

I know I need to not worry or care what others think of me and know who I am in Christ. I get all that. But while I’m working that out I still feel like a nothing, a nobody. I pray that one day God with show me who I am and I will love and embrace what He says, but the waiting is hard when you feel like nothing.

I have tried to find my niche in some areas but every time I thought I have found it I would get pushed out of that spot, which only confirms to me how unimportant I am to that group of people. I finally stopped trying. The pain of rejection, from the people that claim to be my friends and family was just to much. I have pulled away from this group of people and this has given me some peace, but I’m still lost.

Do I keep trying to fit into a group that appears to not want me, how do I move on and fine where I belong? Or maybe I don’t belong and God has been using all this rejection to wake me up to what he’s been trying to tell me. “You don’t belong because I have something else for you.”  “I made you “just a mom” my dear child.” “You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I love you.” “Let that be enough.” “Find your value in Me, not what others think of you.”

Oh Baby!

It seems everyone I know and their dog is expecting right now. So, I though I’d join in on the fun as I never like to be left out. heehee  We planned to tell friends and family as I saw them but it turns out I never see anyone. lol We have told a few people but haven’t made an official announcement up until now.

We have struggled with knowing when to tell people as after this many kids we don’t always get the most excited and happy responses as we’d like. We are very happy and want our friends and family to be happy for us, but we have found that the more kids we have the less people seem to be happy for us. I have been lucky so far and every one I have told has been, or have seemed, very happy for us. However, I know there will be those that say “Congrats,” but will have nothing nice to say to their families when they tell them we are excepting again. To you people I say, poo on you. 😛 For real. Dean and I have come to terms with knowing not everyone will be happy for us anymore but we know that God as blessed us and WE are happy with our growing family, and that is all that matters. We have finally stopped letting it bug us or hurt our feelings. We have learned who are true friends are as our family has grown. To you lovely people that love us and are happy with us, thank you! You are a blessing in our lives!

So, baby number 10 will be here sometime in July. I am praying this time around goes just as smooth as last time!

Where I have been…

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I have been trying to come to terms with quitting my training two weeks before my half marathon. Yes, I quit, for several reasons. The main reason is it got cold, really cold, and I do not have the right clothes to run in 40 below weather. I know I could have run on the treadmill, but really, who wants to run their very first half on a treadmill? Not me!

I have been dealing with feeling like a failure in this area. I so wanted to do this but I’m not willing to do something so awesome in doors.

Burn out. I hit the burn out wall hard. I feel like I had been going so strong for so long that I lost all desire to continue.  With my all or nothing personality this led to a hard crash. So with burning out on training, and my bad eating habits after stopping the Candida diet, I feel like I’ve been in fat land.

Fat land is where you live when you do nothing but eat, sleep, and basically not move. That has been where I have been for the past few weeks. I wanted to end the year strong but I’ve gone to the completely other field. I plan to get back into some exercise but I think I’m going to start with light running and walking and not worry about doing anything else. I just need to get back to moving, even if it’s just a little.

Outside of that, life have been pretty much the same. We are in our easy month of school, enjoying taking it easy in the holiday season, baking fun treats, decorating for Christmas, watching more tv than normal, and just hanging out. It’s been a nice break for all of us.

Well, I guess I don’t have a lot else to update on. Life at the Mehrkens home is pretty dull. 😉