I have been struggling with being “just a mom” lately. Starting a family off at the age of 17, I went from high school to being a stay at home mom and wife over night. In fact, I found out I was expecting number 2 graduation day!
I was never interested in school, and barley graduated. I never had any interests other than sex, drugs, and rock n roll. So when Dean and I started dating and my crazy life slowed down, I was faced with the fact that I had no plans for my future, no goals, no dreams. I had spent my time only in short term thinking mode.
Fourteen years later I still feel like I’m stuck. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and wife. I love home schooling the kids, and I love that God has blessed us with a house full of children.
What I struggle with is not having an identity. When you think of someone, their strengths come to mind right away. Crafty, blogger, important volunteer, knowledgeable in EVERYTHING, Godly, baker, very involved in the church, farmer, a fixer, their career, fit, ect. All while being a kick ass mother.
When I think of who I am, what comes to mind is all the things I am not. I’m not creative or crafty, but I really wish I was. I’m not a good writer, so I feel when I do write I sound like a bumbling idiot. I don’t volunteer for anything of importance as I have no skills to do so. I am not knowledgeable in anything and this drives me crazy. All my life I have never been able to retain information. I’m not sure how much my past drug use plays into this but I know others who are smarter than smart and lived a life crazier than mine. I want to learn and try to read and listen to things that are of interest to me but nothing sinks in. I won’t even go into trying to explain something I think I’ve learned. I’m worse than a three year old trying to explain…anything. lol
I don’t understand politics and can’t wrap my brain around anything involving government, I couldn’t fix anything to save my life, I have never had a career, I’m not a nurturer, and I don’t even know I’ve I’m a true Christian.
I want an identity. I want to do something of importance. But mostly, I want to be more than “just a mom.” I hate when I am talking with people and they ask, “so you just stay home?” Yep, I JUST stay home. I hate that I do nothing but stay home. If feels so unimportant, so beneath everyone else, so, nothing.
I know I need to not worry or care what others think of me and know who I am in Christ. I get all that. But while I’m working that out I still feel like a nothing, a nobody. I pray that one day God with show me who I am and I will love and embrace what He says, but the waiting is hard when you feel like nothing.
I have tried to find my niche in some areas but every time I thought I have found it I would get pushed out of that spot, which only confirms to me how unimportant I am to that group of people. I finally stopped trying. The pain of rejection, from the people that claim to be my friends and family was just to much. I have pulled away from this group of people and this has given me some peace, but I’m still lost.
Do I keep trying to fit into a group that appears to not want me, how do I move on and fine where I belong? Or maybe I don’t belong and God has been using all this rejection to wake me up to what he’s been trying to tell me. “You don’t belong because I have something else for you.” “I made you “just a mom” my dear child.” “You were fearfully and wonderfully made, and I love you.” “Let that be enough.” “Find your value in Me, not what others think of you.”