I know I said this would always be a happy blog, but I got to thinking, I don’t want to be fake. For as much as I hate fake people, it was stupid of me to say I was going to be fake. Only writing happiness is not me. especially because I’m not a happy person. I promise to not always write about my dark side, but I feel I would be lieing to my readers if I never talked about the hard times. Most people are generally happy and have bad days here and there. I’m generally an unhappy sullen person with an occasional good day. I apologize for my fakeness.
I know this is not the best “I’m back” title, but sadly, this is where I am. A lot has happened over the past few months but the most recent struggle has been a personal demon that has come and gone over the years. Right now, she’s back, in full force.
(Back story time) I have gone through many types of disordered eating. Before kids I was anorexic, then struggled with bulimia. Then I had kids and over ate like the world was going to end the next day. Four years ago I lost 80lbs and thought my disordered eating was gone. I was healthy. I was at a healthy weight, active, ate healthy, and was happy… for the most part. Then “she” came back and almost over night I started restricting my food intake, and bingeing and purging. Why?! Why did I let it over take me when I was doing so good? I still don’t have that answer. I started gaining and then got pregnant and gained all the weight back. The last few years have been yo-yoing up and down with my weight.
Now, after yet another baby, I’m back to feeling out of control with food. The self hate can’t be stronger than it has been lately. Meltdowns several times a day, suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, and complete despair rule my life every single day.
I haven’t gone to church in over a month because I can’t stand the thought of people judging me they way I judge myself. I know they are most likely not doing this but that’s the only thing that goes through my head while I’m there. I just sit there thinking of all the things “I know” they are thinking about me. I only leave the house to go to a bible study once a week (which I probably wouldn’t go to if the group got any bigger,) and to the grocery store.
The store is a hard place for me to be. Not because I’m temped to buy a ton of junk but of what I think onlookers are thinking. We are a family of 11. There is no small shopping trips. I always have a full cart by then end of my trip. Here are some of my erational thoughts while I shop. “Wow, is she going to eat all that herself?” “I bet she just says she has a lot of kids so she doesn’t feel so stupid buying so much food.” “Really, you’re going to get “that?”” “You are a big person, you should be buying healthy food.” I could have not one processed piece of food in the cart and I’ll be thinking these things.
I’ve stopped eating meals with the family. The kids have made comments the last couple months about my weight gain which has put me over the edge. I know they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but my brain twists their innocent comments into fiery balls of hatred and disgust for me. I’m afraid I gross them out when I eat around them, so to avoid them losing their appetite by having to see me eat, I eat in a different room. When I do eat with the family I can’t enjoy our time together. My thoughts when having a meal with the family… “How many calories is this?” “The kids are going to think I’m eating too much and make fat comments.” “The kids will not like me if I eat.” “This food is going to turn me into bubbling fat.” “If you finish your food they will notice and think you are gross.” The list goes on and on.
I restrict or binge and purge daily. I don’t think I have a normal food days anymore. Hell, I don’t even know what that looks like at this point. It’s all a jumbles mess in my head.
I really do not know how Dean puts up with it all. He is so amazingly patient with me. I know he doesn’t understand why I think the way I do, (I don’t understand it either most days,) but he tries to understand the best he can and tries to reassure me that he loves me no matter what. He’s put up with a lot of craziness over the years. My biggest struggle is with how I think he sees me. I feel like he sees me how I see myself. If that was the case he’d have left a long time ago. lol I wish I could see myself through his eyes. He sees a beautiful strong women, a loving mother, and a sexy wife. Oh man! I laugh every time he tells me this. I see myself as a pathetic failure of a mother, a person who wants to help others but only fails and makes things worse, and when someone looks at me they throw up a little in their mouth. Poor Dean is throwing up all day long. lol
Reading through this it all sounds so shallow. I wish I was better with words. I know my self-worth should not be linked to my weight or how I look, but before Dean that was all that was told to me. I don’t know how to see it any other way. Even after 12 years of Dean being true to his word and showing me that he loves me for me, I still can’t help but think “the real Dean will surface one day.” The one that says you are worthless, pathetic, and an embarrassment to the family.