I know I haven’t posted in a while. I have been trying to come to terms with quitting my training two weeks before my half marathon. Yes, I quit, for several reasons. The main reason is it got cold, really cold, and I do not have the right clothes to run in 40 below weather. I know I could have run on the treadmill, but really, who wants to run their very first half on a treadmill? Not me!
I have been dealing with feeling like a failure in this area. I so wanted to do this but I’m not willing to do something so awesome in doors.
Burn out. I hit the burn out wall hard. I feel like I had been going so strong for so long that I lost all desire to continue. With my all or nothing personality this led to a hard crash. So with burning out on training, and my bad eating habits after stopping the Candida diet, I feel like I’ve been in fat land.
Fat land is where you live when you do nothing but eat, sleep, and basically not move. That has been where I have been for the past few weeks. I wanted to end the year strong but I’ve gone to the completely other field. I plan to get back into some exercise but I think I’m going to start with light running and walking and not worry about doing anything else. I just need to get back to moving, even if it’s just a little.
Outside of that, life have been pretty much the same. We are in our easy month of school, enjoying taking it easy in the holiday season, baking fun treats, decorating for Christmas, watching more tv than normal, and just hanging out. It’s been a nice break for all of us.
Well, I guess I don’t have a lot else to update on. Life at the Mehrkens home is pretty dull. 😉
Coming off the Candida Diet was good…at first. But it took me only about 3.2 seconds to nose dive into carbs. I have been doing what any good binge eater does, eat like there will be no food tomorrow, or even the next hour. How was it that I could pull off 6 weeks of this diet but now have absolutely NO will power to not cram stuff in my face? I feel like a walking marshmallow this last few days. Swollen from all the sugar and carbs. My face is puffed out and my lovely double chin is returning. I’m bloated all the time and really can’t remember what hunger pings feel like. GGGRRRRR what the heck is wrong with me?! Not even two weeks and I’m right back the were I was at before.
The weird thing is, because my moods are still stable, I’ve felt ok eating this way. I haven’t had the anger and guilt that normally comes with binge eating. Not good. haha Those bad feelings help keep me in check. Now I seem to just not care how I eat…for the most part. I know it’s only a matter of time before the depression will kick me in the butt if I can’t get this under control. I have lost 80lbs sense having Lizzeth, I do not want to gain it all back but at this rate it won’t take me long to be rolling around again.
I know people say, just pick yourself back up and restart, but when dealing with disordered eating it’s not that simple. There is so much more that goes on mentally then just, “oops, need to stop this and get back on track.” It can take months to get back on track. Every day is another day of planning to do better and not over eat and by the end of the day you are bloated and trying not to cry yourself to sleep. Then you wake up ready to start over and something stupid will trigger you and once again go to bad bloated and hating yourself. Day after day after day. God, I don’t want this to start up again.
I’m done with the horrible Candida diet. Can you feel like you accomplished a goal and be happy and like a failure at the same time? I have mixed emotions with finishing the diet. I quit with just over a week to my original end date. Part of me feels like I really kicked butt with cutting out sugars for over six weeks, because really, six weeks is a really long time, but part of me feels like a crappy failure because I caved and didn’t go until Thanksgiving.
My save zone for stopping the diet was the 15th of November but I wanted to go until Thanksgiving just for good measure. Turns out, on the 15th I lost all interest in finishing. In fact, I ended the day with a BBQ chicken sandwich and chocolate. lol yep, I’m that awesome. I told myself I would pick myself back up and finish strong. Nope, didn’t happen. I did good for a couple days but yesterday I just didn’t care anymore. I called it quits and had bread with supper and binged on candy twice. I felt like a drug addict getting my fix after being clean for a long time. So much for easing back into life with sugar. Stupid me.
Part of me simple doesn’t care that I ended like that. I enjoyed the junk food. However, I’m a little worried that I’ll fall right back into the binge/purge cycle which is something I really don’t want to do. I know that all the planning in the world will not help me with my disordered eating. Only God can pull me out of that hell. I need to cling to Him when I’m tempted and not let my taste buds rule me.
Outside of the guilt of ending the diet like a druggy, I’m feeling pretty good. My depression seems to be gone as it’s been over two months sense I’ve had a low, which has NEVER happened before. My moods over all have been stable and it’s been refreshing to not be a moody crab ass all the time. Things still make be mad or sad but I recover from them quickly and can get on with my day normally. I never thought I’d feel so “normal.” Living with the highs and lows of mood disorders is all I’ve ever known. It’s weird to have this other person come out of me. It’s like I’m discovering a person that has been in hiding all their life. What do I do with this newness? I really don’t know. Right now I’m just going to enjoy not feeling like a crazy person anymore.
This week wasn’t very good. At the beginning of the week one of the kids started to not feel well and it is slowing making it’s rounds though the household. I have been feeling run down all week. I’m hoping next week goes a little better…
Not much to report on this week. My long run was slow goings. I really didn’t want to run but after two unscheduled lazy days I made myself got out the door. I had to walk every mile or so to catch my breath. My stomach would randomly cramp up and I almost threw up a few times. BUT I got my run in. I felt pretty good after the run but I think it was mostly just from getting some fresh air, not the actual exercise. haha Here’s to hoping next week is better.
Do you run through colds/flus, or do you take the time off to recover?