Summer Classes Have Begun

After taking the last three weeks of April off we are now into our summer classes. We will be working until August and then taking the month of August off. Keeping school simple with only Bible, Math, and English this month, and then adding in History for June and July.

Getting back into the swing of school has been harder this time around. Dean being home cramps my homemaking style. lol. Plus, he likes to teach so I find myself not sure what I should be doing. We’ll figure it out though.

We are still waiting for Dean to have his surgery so for now this is what our schedule looks like.

6:30-7:00 Wake up call. Although some of the kids get up as early as 5:30 now.

7:00-7:30 Breakfast

7:30-8:00/8:30 Morning chores

8:30-10:45 Morning classes (Bible, Math, and English.)

11:00 Lunch

11:30 quick cleanup

12:00 Finish up any school

1:00-4:00 Free Time

4:00 Chores and getting ready for supper

5:00-5:30/5:45 Supper

5:45-6:00/6:15 Evening chores and yard pick up

6:15-8:00 Free Time

8;00-8:30 Teeth brushing and bathroom

8:30 Bedtime

Bedtime are will go back to 8:00 in the fall. Right now we are going to simply enjoy the little time we have with the sun. haha Minnesota summers don’t last long.

What does everyone else have planned this summer?

The Torment of Disordered Eating and No Self Worth

I know I said this would always be a happy blog, but I got to thinking, I don’t want to be fake. For as much as I hate fake people, it was stupid of me to say I was going to be fake. Only writing happiness is not me. especially because I’m not a happy person. I promise to not always write about my dark side, but I feel I would be lieing to my readers if I never talked about the hard times. Most people are generally happy and have bad days here and there. I’m generally an unhappy sullen person with an occasional good day.  I apologize for my fakeness.

I know this is not the best “I’m back” title, but sadly, this is where I am.  A lot has happened over the past few months but the most recent struggle has been a personal demon that has come and gone over the years. Right now, she’s back, in full force.

(Back story time) I have gone through many types of disordered eating. Before kids I was anorexic, then struggled with bulimia. Then I had kids and over ate like the world was going to end the next day. Four years ago I lost 80lbs and thought my disordered eating was gone. I was healthy. I was at a healthy weight, active, ate healthy, and was happy… for the most part. Then “she” came back and almost over night I started restricting my food intake, and bingeing and purging. Why?! Why did I let it over take me when I was doing so good? I still don’t have that answer. I started gaining and then got pregnant and gained all the weight back. The last few years have been yo-yoing up and down with my weight.

Now, after yet another baby, I’m back to feeling out of control with food. The self hate can’t be stronger than it has been lately. Meltdowns several times a day, suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, and complete despair rule my life every single day.

I haven’t gone to church in over a month because I can’t stand the thought of people judging me they way I judge myself. I know they are most likely not doing this but that’s the only thing that goes through my head while I’m there. I just sit there thinking of all the things “I know” they are thinking about me. I only leave the house to go to a bible study once a week (which I probably wouldn’t go to if the group got any bigger,) and to the grocery store.

The store is a hard place for me to be. Not because I’m temped to buy a ton of junk but of what I think onlookers are thinking. We are a family of 11. There is no small shopping trips. I always have a full cart by then end of my trip. Here are some of my erational thoughts while I shop. “Wow, is she going to eat all that herself?” “I bet she just says she has a lot of kids so she doesn’t feel so stupid buying so much food.” “Really, you’re going to get “that?”" “You are a big person, you should be buying healthy food.” I could have not one processed piece of food in the cart and I’ll be thinking these things.

I’ve stopped eating meals with the family. The kids have made comments the last couple months about my weight gain which has put me over the edge. I know they are not trying to hurt my feelings, but my brain twists their innocent comments into fiery balls of hatred and disgust for me. I’m afraid I gross them out when I eat around them, so to avoid them losing their appetite by having to see me eat, I eat in a different room. When I do eat with the family I can’t enjoy our time together. My thoughts when having a meal with the family… “How many calories is this?” “The kids are going to think I’m eating too much and make fat comments.” “The kids will not like me if I eat.” “This food is going to turn me into bubbling fat.” “If you finish your food they will notice and think you are gross.” The list goes on and on.

I restrict or binge and purge daily. I don’t think I have a normal food days anymore. Hell, I don’t even know what that looks like at this point. It’s all a jumbles mess in my head.

I really do not know how Dean puts up with it all. He is so amazingly patient with me. I know he doesn’t understand why I think the way I do, (I don’t understand it either most days,) but he tries to understand the best he can and tries to reassure me that he loves me no matter what. He’s put up with a lot of craziness over the years. My biggest struggle is with how I think he sees me. I feel like he sees me how I see myself. If that was the case he’d have left a long time ago. lol I wish I could see myself through his eyes. He sees a beautiful strong women, a loving mother, and a sexy wife. Oh man! I laugh every time he tells me this. I see myself as a pathetic failure of a mother, a person who wants to help others but only fails and makes things worse, and when someone looks at me they throw up a little in their mouth. Poor Dean is throwing up all day long. lol

Reading through this it all sounds so shallow. I wish I was better with words. I know my self-worth should not be linked to my weight or how I look, but before Dean that was all that was told to me. I don’t know how to see it any other way. Even after 12 years of Dean being true to his word and showing me that he loves me for me, I still can’t help but think “the real Dean will surface one day.” The one that says you are worthless, pathetic, and an embarrassment to the family.

 

 

Taking a Break

I will be taking a break from blogging for the next little while. Not by choice but a break non-the-less. I wanted to give a quick update on life up to this point and then I’ll be gone for a few months.

The past couple weeks have been crazy! Had a baby, the flu ran through our home, something mysterious thing is making my foot swell and be in lots of pain, I had a blood transfusion the other night, (yeah, that was fun) and now we have to disconnect our internet for a time to help cut costs to pay our bills while Dean’s hours are cut down to 32 hours per week.

While our lives take another turn in this overwhelming season, we will be cutting back on many “extras” such as…well, everything that’s not Dr. appointments and work. We are starting school back up on Monday, and hunkering down for the rest of winter in our happy little isolation bubble and making the best of this time. I am trying to see the good that can come out of this trail and praying God shows me he is still here guiding us even when I don’t feel his presence. I pray God continues to show us how he is providing even if it’s in ways I don’t care for. I always have my own picture of how things should play out and it pretty much never matches up with God’s plan and then I get upset and whiny.

When I come back I hope to catch up on all the half written blog posts of started that I now don’t have time to finish, and news that life has gotten a little better then it is now. I hope everyone has a wonderful winter and I will talk at ya later.

God bless!

Elizabeth

It’s A Girl! And A Baby Story

Lizzeth Danelle was born at home, at 3:30am Dec 29th, 2012. 9lbs 21 1/4 in long. After all the waiting for labor to start, once it did, she was not waiting around. 5 1/2 hours and she was out. She didn’t even wait for our midwife to get here!

Labor started at 10:00pm on the 28th. I had been having contractions off and on that whole day but didn’t think anything of it as I’d been having contractions for weeks. When I got into bed that night it was like a switch was flipped and with the first contraction I knew it was real labor. I figured I’d give it some time before I woke Dean to let him know, just incase I was just hoping it was real labor

and they stop right after I wake him up (not that this had ever happened before…).

After 45 minutes I knew it was the real thing so I woke up Dean to let him know, called Rebekah (the midwife), my mom, and sister to let them know labor had started. We then went back to bed and hoped we’d get some sleep as I knew I could labor all night. Dean was out within minutes and I was able to sleep in between each contraction. They stayed 10/12 minutes apart until 2:30. At 2:30 I decided to call Rebekah and have her head on over. I was still only contracting 10/12 minutes apart but they were lasting 2 to 2 1/2 minutes.

The second I hung up the phone I must have dilated to 10 because another switch was flipped and I was then contracting ever 2 minutes and they were about 3 minutes long. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I stood up I knew Rebekah was not going to make it, baby was coming NOW! Dean started getting things set up and worked on getting the pool up, (a water birth was our plan) while I crawled back into bed trying to

not freak out at the fact my body was doing changes so fast. Dean would come check on me every few minutes while I layed their randomly screaming in pain and pushing as I had the urge.

Around 3:00am my water broke and I felt her crowning. One of the most painful and creepy feelings in the world I might add. Dean abandoned the pool and came into the bedroom to seeing her head. lol The look on his face is burned into my brain for life. In the doorway he stood, looking at me, and said, “oh!” I’m not sure if I giggled at that moment but is sure is funny remembering it now.

Dean guided her out and placed her on me and we took the moment to catch our breath. She was perfect! We couldn’t have asked for an easier delivery. Rebekah got to the house just before 4:00am. Dean cut the cord and then clean up began…for them. haha Once things were cleaned up we did some paper work, got something to eat, and then got some rest before the other kids woke up.

It was so precious hearing the squeals of the kids’ excitement walking into the living room to their new baby sister. They had slept through the whole thing! I pray if we have more kids that things will go just as beautifully as this few hours went.

Pregnancy: Week 41, Belly Pic, and Our Christmas

 

41 weeks

Well, I’m a week “over due.” To put it plainly, I’m cranky. I’m depressed. ~sigh~ I’ve never been “late” before so this has been a whole different level of frustration. The waiting game at the end of any pregnancy is hard, but once you go over that magical “due date” it’s like you mentally check out, or freak out. ~sigh~ It has been a challenge to stay positive and be in a good mood. I have to remind myself daily why I am going this route (homebirth) and not just rushing to the hospital for that lovely pitocin induced jump-start.

However, knowing what I know now, I do not believe you should go get induced based on YOUR discomfort. You have no idea how forcing your body to do something it’s not ready to do can potentially hurt your child. You are pumping your body full of chemicals that your body isn’t suppose to have or your baby. All because you are temporarily uncomfortable? I believe that is all part of our curse as women with the fall of Adam and Eve. Yes, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be uncomfortable, but God is in control. He has designed our bodies so meticulously to hand all of this. We need to lean on Him not medical procedures when you are having a healthy pregnancy. I’m not saying there isn’t a medical need at all or that we shouldn’t get medical help if it’s needed, but so often we run to what is easiest not what’s safest.

I have gone this route, this is why I say what I say. I’ve been there!  I’m so thankful that we are now using a midwife and having a home birth. These are some truths I have to keep telling myself in my discomfort…

THIS is saver.

THIS is natural.

THIS will not put me or baby in danger from all the interventions that would happen if I did go in.

I will get to be in the comfort of my own home, with people I know, love, and trust. Not random nurses checking me every hour to see if I’m progressing “fast enough.”

I will not be strung to a bunch of wires, only allowed to lay in bed or walk the stinky halls in a nightgown feeling like my butt is showing to everyone.

I will not be racing the clock to have the baby on the Dr’s schedule, or be told something is “wrong” because baby is not coming fast enough. Back in the day, women could labor for days and have a healthy baby. If your labor goes over 12 hours that does NOT mean your baby is about to die. Promise!

Hospitals are for sick people. If you and baby are not sick, why be there?

THIS is in GOD’S timing, NOT mine, because HE knows best NOT me.

Disclaimer: I understand this can be a very controversal topic. After over 3 years of research, yes 3 years, and 8 not so pleasant hospital experiences, we feel this is what is best for us.  These are OUR beliefs and you have the right to disagree with us. However, if you leave a comment, do so with respect.

Now, stepping off my soap box…

…Yesterday was Christmas. We kept it very simple. Not knowing when baby will be here we didn’t want to invite tons of people over and put pressure of hosting on us to the point I’d breakdown and cry. It was a very relaxing time. For a household of 10 that’s pretty stinking good! There was little fighting over the new toys, very little fighting at all really. My mom, sister, niece, and her daughter came over. We kept the menu simple which came in great when I started having contractions and what I think was some back labor. They were able to take over while I felt lazy and unproductive not being able to walk from the pain in my low back.

The atmosphere was calm for the most part and over all was a great day. This was the first year we didn’t have an over abundance of food but we did have way to much candy around. I don’t stress that too much as we really limit the kids junk food intake in between holidays. Infact, I’ve gotten weird looks from other parents on occasion when I tell me kids no, or greatly limit their intake to sweets when everyone else is pigging out. Yep, I’m mean like that

This year we have been blessed, again! Being in a season of hardship for what seems like forever, we have been blessed over and over and over. This month we were blessed with gifts for Christmas, a fixed van, and money to empty the septic, (long overdue!) With going into a time of Dean’s hours being cut, we have seeing God pave our path and the reassurance that God will provide all of our needs. Thank you all who have been a part of this blessed time!

Well, I think that’s all I got rattling around in this old head of mine for now. For the rest of the day we plan to simply hang out, enjoy leftovers, play games, and rest. I hope everyone has been blessed this Christmas and the rest of your week in wonderful!

Belly Picture…

Short, sweet, and to the point post

I’ve been promising a belly picture for a few weeks now and I keep avoiding it. haha So…here it is. I’m 37 weeks 5 days. As you can tell, I haven’t dropped at all yet. I’m tired and sore all the time, but I’ve been trying to not complain about it…to much. heehee This may be the last one you get before I have the baby, so enjoy

 

Pregnancy: Week 37 and Random Thoughts

Three weeks left! As always, this will be the longest three weeks ever. lol I’m trying to find ways to pass the time but always seem to find myself sitting around bored. Not really bored, just not wanting to do anything. Hard to pass the time when I just sit around not doing anything.

This is the last week of school before our break. However, we may still do science and math through Dec. Dean and I haven’t decided on that yet. The kids have really been pushing us so I’ve told them if they don’t shape up, we will have half school days instead of a full month off. Yep, I’m mean like that

I got a few days off from contractions. That was nice. However, they are back in full force today. I’ve been sleeping great the past few days. Only getting up once or twice. Waking up rested should be helping with my moodiness, but it’s not. I’ve been pretty cranky today. Little things have been setting me off all day. I think I just need to get out of the house. I feel like I haven’t been out in weeks.

I think we have everything we need for baby’s arrivile. Which has put my mind at ease quite a bit. Now, I wait…lol

I guess I really don’t have anything to say this week. Things have been pretty much the same. Good and bad days, happy, moody, tired, busy, school…you get the idea. So with that, I’ll write more later.